First off I want to say thank you. This year in a lot of ways was truly incredible. I met the most amazing people who have showed me support, love, and have helped pick me up countless times. I started my year off in Tofino, and realized my love and deep connection for the ocean. I became a yoga teacher, but more than that I learned to reevaluate my health, and life and slowly learned I needed to move forward. I learned that I wasn’t focusing on my spiritual or mental health in the way I should. I learned new coping techniques and learned to slow down. This year forced me to shift my focus to other avenues and taught me to create in new ways. I run an outdoor swim school in the summer months, and taught a lot more lessons than anticipated. It was refreshing, and I met some incredible families. I started doing a lot more food photography, which is something I always loved. I booked my first big client and successfully did a full two day photo shoot. I had an assistant on set with me for the first time, and in this moment I could finally see the effects of all of my hard work. I spent more time with my family. I moved to Vancouver, and live right by the ocean. I got a service dog who is the sweetest, most loveable little darling in the world.

But then there were the downs, and trust me there were a lot of downs. I am currently writing this post on my small desk under the dim lighting in my room at CAMH. For those of you that don’t know, CAMH stands for Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. I was admitted just over a week ago, meaning I spent my Christmas here. I have battled severe panic attacks, and major depression for quite sometime. Back in August of this year was my first time going to a hospital for my mental health. After waiting hours, the psychiatrist scribbled me a prescription and sent home. Less than a month later I was admitted to Lakeridge Health, in Ontario. I was treated terribly by the psychiatrist and was discharged, just over 24 hours later. 

I was admitted to Vancouver General Hospital in late November again for severe panic attacks and depression. This time my experience was different. I met a wonderful group of individuals. An elderly man who nicknamed me Miss Universe and still calls me regularly. A graffiti artist that spray paints “sex toy” all over the city. A vegan buddy who would blast her hand held radio as she walked through the halls. A tall young man with a calming voice who would drape a blanket over his shoulders as it trailed behind him like a cape. We were all there for different reasons, had different pasts, but we all connected. We would colour and draw together and play cards against humanity before taking our meds at night time. 

My stay was short, just under a week they wrote my prescriptions and I was sent back to my empty apartment across from the ocean. It was a tough transition and one I wasn’t ready for. This time they prepared me with a plan, and set me up for counselling. I felt a little better leaving but still knew deep down I wasn’t ready. Less than a month later I ended up here, at The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health. I have been here just over a week and recently moved floors. On my previous floor I was the only female. I was constantly stared at by the other patients and at 4 am a patient would bang on my door and yell my name. I knew if I was truly going to get better it wasn’t going to be in this environment. I sincerely hope all of the patients I met on that floor are able to get where they need to be, but that floor just wasn’t for met.

If there is anything I have learned through my hospital stays, and my journey of seeking help for my mental health it’s this: people are willing to accommodate you if you just ask nicely. Never be afraid to ask, especially in healthcare settings because their job is to help you. In general, the people in your life will be happy to help too. And there is always something positive in every situation. Sometimes you have to look a little harder but it’s always there. For example, yes my stay on the floor I was originally admitted to was less than ideal but the food was better than any hospital food I ever had, the recreational therapists were amazing, and my nurses, social worker, and doctor were incredible too. 

This year has brought so many challenges, heart breaks and triumphs to so many. Know that whatever this year brought for you is what was meant for you. Maybe you relaxed and took your time. Maybe you learned something new and changed your outlook. Maybe you started a new business. Maybe you carried on in your daily life as usual. There is no right or wrong. Especially with the challenges this year brought, making it to the end of December 2020 is an accomplishment in itself. I hope this year brought you what you needed, even if you don’t realize what that is yet. Happy New Year everyone. 

xoxo

Kass